invent this please

In case anyone feels like making a billion quid and eliminating some pathetic gripes of privileged whiners like myself, here are a couple of things that you could bestow to the world.  No charge.

Flip-up cycle extremities

I don’t need my bike to collapse to the size of a lunch box and I don’t want to hang it up like some kind of piece of theatre but I would like it to take up less space when I bring it into the house.  A quick sizing has the bike frame well under 8″ wide yet the handle bar pushes that out to 23″.  My hallway is 33″ wide.  Visualise, if you will.

If I could unlock and flip the handlebar in exactly the same way as my bike clamp already does then me, my fellow cyclists and all visitors to their dwellings would be spared the merciless paunch poker.  Pedals, likewise.  I’ve seen them on fold-up bikes, dammit, so don’t try to tell me it’s not possible.

Tidy printout scaling

For some reason I have cut-throat airline tickets in mind for this although you only usually need to print off the first page and ignore the dozen pages of terms and conditions for those.  This is the curiously common situation where a printout spills onto the last page by just a single line or two, causing a spasm at the sloppiness of it (to be recycled as eco-guilt later).  Extra points for irony if the offending text is boilerplate ‘Please consider the environment think before printing this email’.  This is the sort of thing that can totally suck the pleasure out of your mid-morning latte.

Yes, I know it’s possible to change the zoom in preview but how often do you do this?  How hard in comparison for the printer driver to optionally squeeze or stretch the text by 10% to make best use of the paper?  Please, make it so and let me find something new to bleat about.  Thanks.

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blogging like no-one’s reading

The theoretical potential of publishing to the whole damn world for all time can sometimes feel inhibiting.  Especially if there’s a prominent blogging community established in the vicinity.  You can find yourself second-guessing the likely response from an uncertain and imaginary readership, and that’s usually enough to abort too many drafts.

Although flatlining WordPress Stats offer some reassurance here, I’d like to give fair warning to anyone subscribed to this blog with the expectation of well-written, lucid and accountable prose of general interest.  The quality bar is about to drop through the floor.

From here on in, this blog is likely to spout incoherent rambles, irresponsible/unjustified assertions and turgid verbiage that only makes sense in the context of being me.  There’s also a real danger of cusswords.

Thanks for reading thus far.  Continued subscription indicates you agree to the receipt of unmitigated bollocks from this direction for the foreseeable future.  A comment to this effect would be greatly appreciated.

dear yahoo mail

I finally got round to importing my Yahoo! Mail into GMail and wrote a ‘vacation’ response so I could finally walk away from this weeping sore of an inbox:

Hello,

You just tried to reach me at this Yahoo! address and kind of failed. Maybe you found it in an old e-mail folder or scribbled in the corner of a circus poster. More likely, you found it on a list sold to you by a guy who doesn’t punctuate properly but is nevertheless very keen on exclamation marks.  In fact, you are probably just a bunch of stupid and badly-formatted code.

If you are not a robot and you specifically did want to get in touch with me about something then you’ll need to use a little of that human intelligence you keep going on about.  Google my name and sixball and you can’t go far wrong.

This is to Yahoo! Mail: we had some good times 10 years ago when you were the darling of the web and we could overlook the big banners ads and yipping exclamation mark.  I let you hang around until now just because you were friendly with my iPhone.

Now you are just bringing up the same old crap every day and so it’s time to make a clean break.  Everyone is ditching e-mail for social networks anyway (or even Google Wave).  Guess I’ll still see you when I visit your cool relatives: Flickr (cute), Delicious (smart) and Pipes (bendy).

Si

bibliophile

For the first time in my life I did some early xmas shopping this week and I’m here to tell you that now is absolutely the bestest time to stuff stockings.  All the xmas stock is out yet there’s little of the rabid gift grubbing that jingles your soul in the Last Week.

Put me in the proverbial sweet shop and I’d probably settle for a modest bag of fizzy cola bottles yet a decently stocked book shop has me bouncing around and stacking them high.  Much more dangerous than Amazon, pricier but so friendly for impulse purchases.

This is probably a good place to inject a meme I’ve just been exposed to (from Chris Unitt).  It’s the page 56 meme and it goes thus:

  1. Grab the nearest book;
  2. Open it to page 56;
  3. Find the fifth sentence;
  4. Post the text of the sentence along with these instructions; and
  5. Don’t dig for your favourite book, the coolest book, or the most intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST

By my honest reckoning, that line is:

After birth and during infant growth, enormous selectional changes will occur in the synaptic population of the central nervous system.

It’s from Second Nature by Gerald M. Edelmann and those are the only words I’ve read from it so far though I’m now itching to read more.  This was one of the books that just seemed to stick to me as I went about stacking potential presents.  I’d slowly sipped (some books cannot be quaffed) Bright Air, Brilliant Fire by the same guy some years ago and his theory of ‘neuronal group selection’ made a long-lasting impression on my own young, fizzing synapses.

If I’m going to rediscover books then I should probably update my LibraryThing info too.  Somehow it feels like walking back into the old pub where I’ve had the most intense conversations and the threads are still hanging.

I love books.

searching for cardboard

IMG_4060Moving house is always a good excuse for a decluttering and one thing I’ve been dragging around with me the last decade is my ergonomic kneeling stool.  Loved but never used, up on eBay it went and fetched the princely sum of £15 plus P&P.  The P&P requires corrugated cardboard, folded (and possibly joined) to certain dimensions.

Feels like I’m working too hard already as I rummage in Aldi, ask in Delta Pi and surf Access Self-Storage.  It doesn’t fit in an off-the-shelf box and I’m starting to develop the hungry look of a (90% recycled) junkie.

If there were a small god of packaging, he smiled on me as I left work.   An abundance of the brown pulped planes appeared – far more than I could transport on my bike – and I was able to select an ideal piece.

So what’s the kicker here?

IMG_0002.jpg.scaled1000I’d not noticed the cardboard before although I’ve no reason to think it just appeared.  However, having been primed to see cardboard, it jumped right out at me.  It got me thinking.

Far more passes in front of my eyes than I can possibly be aware of.  My conscious attention is just a surfer on an ocean of mental activity.  Yet what I notice is very much set by what I’m tuned to – even if I’m not aware of what that is.

If I’m expecting sleights, I see them.  When I feel lucky, I am.  Accidents come in threes and successful roll has its own momentum.

You can call it serendipity, cosmic alignment or whatever.  The point is that consciously maintaining a positive, opportunistic outlook does not just cast a rosy tint on your view of the world but actually puts the spotlight on things within it.

I imagine many belief systems get a lot of mileage out of this simple principle.  I expect it has a name if only I could google for concepts.

krolacks

It’s generally held that early traumatic experiences can be pivotal to the shaping of an individual.  Something about my childhood might be inferred from the fact that one of my most vivid comes from ‘The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang‘, an 80’s animated spin-off from the popular ‘Happy Days’ TV series.

Most of it was whimsical Hanna-Barbera fun but one episode (probably ‘Science Friction‘) freaked me right out.   I was too young to realise it was a rip-off of the classic The Time Machine but it featured a race of red-eyed, lycanthropic creatures who captured humans and brought them underground to toil.

One of the ‘gang’ was told by a fellow prisoner that after three days human prisoners would spontaneously turn into one of the ‘Krolacks’ (IIRC – the Morlocks, basically).  The gang member relayed this news before turning to ask his informant how long he’d been there but he’d mutated in the interim.

This scared the living shit out of me as a kid and, somewhere in my shallow subconscious, probably still does.